expression of thoughts: December 2004

Friday, December 31, 2004

another last day

today is phoebe's last day at work. going to miss her loads and loads. i actually cried as we hugged. even though we have worked together for only a mere 6 mths, i felt that she has known me for a lifetime, even more than my close friends. she's just so sweet and nice (sometimes abit blur..but still cute!). she's a great blessing in my life,always encouraging me when i am down and advise me on many aspects of life. when she shared her life story with me, i was really touched by how God changed her inside out. she's a walking testimony of how Jesus' grace and love transforms a human being.

i am really happy that she's getting married next March!! when she was starting her wedding preparations, you can see that indescribable joy in her and of course, the peace. she is blessed to have such a wonderful husband-to-be who is a man of God and more importantly, who loves her for who she is,=)

well, i will be seeing more of her very soon!! coz she asked me to be one of her 'jie meis' at her wedding!! so happy!!so blessed! gotta be there. in the meantime, i will be missing her hugs and little notes...

*listening to: a japanese song by Chemistry

Wednesday, December 29, 2004

the dead and living (Asia struck by earthquake and tsunamis)

9.0 on Richter scale,
missing people,
many are displaced and thousands are dead.
a loud rumble,
huge tidal waves.
what's left are the dead lying around,
collapsed buildings,
villages swept away,
sights and sounds of deep mourning.

no one expected it,
no warnings.
husbands lost their wives,
wives became widows,
babes 'stolen' from parents,
children are orphaned within seconds.
a king lost his grandson.
when nature strikes, it's no respecter of social entities

who is to blame?
the people?
the government?
or just mother nature?
let's stop pointing the fingers.

death toll increases and still counting
hotels became refugee camps overnight
nations sending aid in cash and in kind
tourists just wanna go home,
out and away from the devastated areas

Monday, December 27, 2004

love from Him

sometimes when i say stupid things,
i wish time will freeze
and i take back everything i say.
sometimes i wish i can speak my mind
without having to feel excluded.
sometimes when the world seems so cold,
i feel like crying and dying,
that's when I remembered You.

Your Word is true,
that You are always there,
always extending your loving arms,
with a smile that says, "come my child,come into Daddy's arms."

it's amazing how we forget Your blessings,
forget Your grace and mercies,
most of all,Your presence.
when the highs becomes lows,
when we are faced with the harshness of the world,
when we feel like a million pieces
or like a rose trampled upon.
Your presence is like living waters to our thirsty souls

at times, we wonder why life is unfair,
why we are slammed left,right,centre,front and back,
why people just squeeze the life out of us.
But no matter what we experience,
is not comparable to the sufferings that Your son gone thru on the cross.

that cross is not just a cross,
it is a reflection and symbol of Your great love for us.
At that moment of 'It is finished!',
it became one of the greatest moments of history.

listening to: "breakaway' by Kelly Clarkson

Sunday, December 26, 2004

you raise me up

was listening to my collection of mp3s when i heard josh groban's 'you raise me up'. reminds me of the christmas concert a few days ago when jeffrey, one of our worship leaders in church, sang the song. in the midst of the crowds, i could feel a peace, an indescribable peace, that fills the place. found the lyrics on a website...here it is:

When I am down and, oh my soul, so weary;
When troubles come and my heart burdened be;
Then, I am still and wait here in the silence,
Until you come and sit awhile with me.

You raise me up, so I can stand on mountains;
You raise me up, to walk on stormy seas;
I am strong, when I am on your shoulders;
You raise me up: To more than I can be.
You raise me up, so I can stand on mountains;
You raise me up, to walk on stormy seas; I
am strong, when I am on your shoulders;
You raise me up: To more than I can be.

You raise me up, so I can stand on mountains;
You raise me up, to walk on stormy seas;
I am strong, when I am on your shoulders;
You raise me up: To more than I can be.

You raise me up, so I can stand on mountains;
You raise me up, to walk on stormy seas;
I am strong, when I am on your shoulders;
You raise me up: To more than I can be.
You raise me up: To more than I can be.

*listening to: 'You Raise Me Up' by Josh Groban

Saturday, December 25, 2004

crafted and scripted

sitting alone in my room
thoughts running through my mind
i see faces of different people
glimpses of my life
the 'what ifs' creep into my mind
having i been living a scripted life?
could things have turned for the better
if i had chosen the alternatives?
would i be what i am today if i did not conform?
decisions made yesterday determine the results of today
and perhaps tomorrow
life is full of risks
and regrets
following my heart
following the truth
what am i supposed to do?

looking for answers in the wrong places
realization of mistakes
makes me think of regrets in my life
the sliding doors
people come and go
what is love?
how could i breathe easy with scripts in my life?
the body as a project
as a stage of performances
as a highly contested space within spaces

crafted pieces of life stories
leaving me speechless
it's an art and science in differentiating truth and lies

*listening to: 'wide open spaces' by dixie chicks

christmas 2004

this year's christmas eve was well spent, different from the past. usually, christmas eve will be spent either with a close girlfriend or at home. during these recent years, it had been the latter. sometimes, i just wanna stay home in solitude,away from the crowds.other times, well...other friends have their own appts with bfs..so yah.

went to danny's house for a gathering. brought a friend along coz both of us supposed to have our christmas dinner at suntec. danny messaged me last minute for the gathering. without thinking further, i agreed immediately! haha..that is very unlike of me. anyway, had steamboat at his place. he asked his other friends along as well. the company was good, has an enjoyable time laughing away. most of the time, i was like squabbling with him in front of everyone, like providing a 'entertainment' or 'a show'.haha. both of us always like that..haha. was really happy to see cheryl,janette and fiona. before the gathering, i dreaded christmas to come. really. it is just so 'un-celebratory'. though the gathering was simple, it's the company that i enjoyed the most. Danny's good friend, Jim had a very good sense of humour. he's the party of the party! haha

one of my greatest wish is to celebrate New Year's eve at New York's Time Square. every year, when i watch the countdown from CNN, i just wish i am there. the vibrant environment, the cheers, the lights etc etc. perhaps next year. i will go there myself! 2005 is 7 days away.time passes really fast. i am turning 23 soon. praise God that He renews my youth everyday!

*listening to: 'Leave' by Jojo

Monday, December 20, 2004

breaking news

they broke up. he told me today when we were in church. i was surprised,really. i thought everything was going well for both of them. when he broke the news to me, i was not exhilarated. no way. i did not even thought of is there a possibility between us? the first thought i had was , 'is it because of me?'. when i questioned him for the reason, he just mumbled,'because of her past experiences'. simply that. i did not question more because it is none of my business.

now, i can safely say that i just treat him as a friend. we still chat sometimes and do those little silly things we used to do in the past, my feelings towards him are strictly within friendship. when i told one of my friends, her first reaction was , 'so, do you see yourself and him together?'. i said 'no'. which is true! seriously, our lifestyles will clash BIG TIME. i do very much hope for a special someone to come into my life and just love me dearly. i trust God that He plans things at the right place and right time. Nothing supersedes His plan,amen! =)

*listening to: 'Lose My Breath' by Destiny's Child

Tuesday, December 14, 2004

christmas is here...again

cannot sleep.was tossing in bed for 1.5 hrs after talking to him. was discussing abt spirituality and work. this is the first time i was unable to fall into deep sleep after returning from Seoul. frankly,i had a good break. got enough sleep daily since I went to Seoul and my dark eye circles have slowly diminished (though there are still slight traces to it). after the conversation, i just sat by the window with a pillow in my hand and looked at the surroundings. such tranquility.strange though coz the more i looked around, the more tired i was. naturally, the first instinct will be 'it's bedtime'. as i lied on my bed, numerous thoughts just went through my mind. i began a chronological journey abt the things that happened this year in my head. school,exams,death,friendship,graduation,job,relationships,work,trip etc etc...

as i tossed in bed, i just ponder on how will be my christmas this year. frankly speaking, i do not really fancy christmas day . a surprise to some, but yah....nothing much to do (of course,this day is to celebrate christ's birth).majority of shops are closed,no work,TV programmes are not that fascinating (hopefully it is not Home Alone again...*dreaded look*). it's not a big event at home coz my parents do not celebrate it and we are not much connected to relatives. Peers wise, besides going out,watching movies and doing those usual stuff,there's not much to do.every year, i do hope that christmas will be special. as in maybe overseas? try sth different?or share it with a special someone? doing community work in other countries? but somehow or rather, it will be another 'stay home' day or 'let's go shopping'. tired of seeing those same shops again and again. guess i am in my not-so-cheery mood now...

one thing i look forward to christmas is the searching and buying of gifts for people i appreciate.some people might find it a pain or even a headache to search for gifts for christmas,but i love it! it's so fun! i understand the agony of like 'forever searching' for that 'perfect gift'.but the satisfaction comes when you find it and imagine the smile and/or 'what is this?' look that appears on the receipient's face! did my christmas shopping last tues (before i go for the wisdom tooth op) and i spent like the entire afternoon and evening buying and choosing gifts and cards (of course queuing up for payments,ladies,gift wrapping,transport). spent quite a lot but it's worth it. give out of a merry heart,not because you have to,but because you want to bless others.

thank God i am serving on 26th dec for church..sth to look forward to.=)

*listening to: 'Little Drummer Boy'

Saturday, December 11, 2004

money money money

i dislike to think abt money issues esp when i am cash-strapped. oh yes I am now. resources are depleting. long story.sometimes i really wonder where did i spend my money on especially when i calculate the purchases i made for the whole month. it's like when pay comes in, i will have xxxx figure, but then slowly it will be depleted! *sighz* I am really believing in Him for financial breakthroughs. was praying the other night, telling Him that I do not care how and when He does it, but I am trusting Him for one. you know, sometimes my faith level just falls to a very very low level when i look at the natural. Bills to pay,personal expenses,transport,food, entertainment, etc etc. it gets really frustrating when the devil just put thoughts in your head such as, " see, so and so graduated the same time as you, yet he/she is earning more etc etc" or "look at yourself! where are you now?? what's the pt of being a graduate?" seriously, time and time again, i just broke down when i look at present circumstances.

many of us dreamed of earning the first million asap, to own this and that. esp in this rat-race world, it ain't easy not to be influenced by practicality and materialism. once, pastor prince said, " do not be the rat in the rat race." that got me thinking hard,real hard.

many of us is familar with this phrase, "money is the root of evil" . is it so? my perspective is that money is not the root of eveil, BUT the motives behind the use of money can lead to it becoming the root of evil.

listening to: 'money money money' by ABBA

Thursday, December 09, 2004

back from seoul

i came back from seoul on 6th Dec,monday. However there was not enough time to sit down and blog about my trip. So may things to write about, guess I need many entries to finish writing abt the trip. Hmm..how should I go about doing it?? Generally speaking,the trip was alright. it's my first time travelling with a friend, so the excitement was there. I mean no parental restrictions! this is my 2nd time to Seoul, so I visited repeated places such as Everland and Lotte World theme parks.

I enjoyed most climbing the two mountains - Mount Daedun and Mount Sorak. These are not the Bukit Timah Hills in Singapore ok!! these are real mountains !thank God there were cable car rides and constructed pathways leading to the peak of the mountains. The natural scenery was just BREATH-TAKING! At the mountains, I just admired the beauty of God's creations. The physical landscape was so beautiful. As i climbed up the mountains, I looked at the layers of rocks. The cleavages present in them tell a story. The existence of these mountains dated hundreds of years back, probably during the ancient times. It is no joke climbing up the mountains wearing 3 layers of clothing and a backpack. Ooo....the elderly of South Korea love to trek mountains. They are so healthy!! Comparing them to us,Singaporeans, we are like the ultimate couch potatoes. One of our tour guides,called Jacky, is so nimble when climbing up and down the mountains!! when my friend and I were panting hard,he was like hopping from step to step, as if this is his daily routine!!

Food was ok, had alot of steamboats. As i do not usually eat rice, I had to force myself to eat them during the trip for survival reasons (sound as if I am so poor thing hor..hahha). But when comes to snack time..hehe...almost every night, my friend and I, together with another girl (whom we met on the trip coz she went alone), will visit the supermarkets and convenience stores to check out the little snacks available. You know what,never before in my life i visited so many convenience stores and supermarkets within a week! it's like the 3 of us had not seen them before! haha. i simply love their canned coffees (heated up in a 'fridge' coz of winter) and banana milk!! Oh! talking abt banana milk, i always say 'papaya milk' in chinese..haha...my friend was exasperated that i got it wrong every time!! hhahaha. ohoh...their kimchi (spicy fermented cabbages) are simply delicious!! very crunchy and spicy!!

Accomodation was fantastic!! 3 of the nights were spent in resorts and I would give a thumbs up esp to the LG (the South Korean brand that produces mobile phones and electrical appliances)Gangchon Resort. The 'room' we had consists of a living room,balcony,kitchen,bedroom and bathroom. The whole 'room' is almost equivalent to a 2-3 room flat in Singapore!! we had the privilege of sleeping on the flr (like what we see on Jap dramas), the flr is heated to a comfortable level and the quilts were so comfy. Frankly speaking, I did not miss my bedroom at home! hee.

Tried skiing..not easy. Fell alot of times, but were painless! What we saw on TV is not as simple as we think. By the way,this year,Seoul's temp is warmer than usual. So there was no natural snow!! sad right. we skiied on man-made snow! *sulks* my friend absolutely loved skiing, can tell from every attempt in skiing from steeper slopes. For me, I just keep to the basics..heheh.

ooo..one thing that fascinates me is the strong environmental friendliness in South Korea. To get a plastic bag, you have to pay like S$0.15 coz of 'Environpolitics'. Recycling bins are the norm. I seldom find dustbins yet the roads are very clean (with the absence of 'fines') cuture wise, over there people generally do not say 'excuse me' or even 'thank you'. On my first day, I was pushed roughly aside at everland! i was like 'what the....'Then from there, I just pushed my way through (not surprisingly, no glares from the strangers) if I need to get through crowds.

It was really cold and dry there. Temperatures wavered between 0-12 degrees. I practically soaked myself in moisturizers and lip balms. we 'smoked' daily without getting lung cancer. hehe.

One thing that puts me off is the language barrier. Over there, English practically became useless. Korean is the main language used. For communication, I had to 'bi shou hua jiao'. sometimes, both of us get really exasperated but well, cannot blame the South Koreans. It's their culture and since we are there, we have to deal with it. They are quite nationalistic and protective of their culture, similar to the Japanese.

oh!!On 5th Dec, which was a Sunday, we went to Full Gospel Church in South Korea aka 'The largest church in the world'!! That was not part of the itinerary. I can strongly say that this trip is super blessed and God is behind it!! Though i gave up many places that I could have visited on that Sunday, I would say it is worth it!! i have heard abt this church, but going there is like a dream. Really have to thank God coz it is not by coincidences that we went to that church. People might say that 'nah...coincidences'. I disagree, once or twice maybe, but all the way?? Questionable. Will elaborate more of this in the next blog..hee..

okok....a very long blog entry i had written. time for a break..

listening to: 'My Greatest Love Is You' by Hillsongs

Wednesday, December 08, 2004

a tooth of wisdom gone today

oh yes, i had my wisdom tooth plucked out today...the 2nd time in 4 years. it was a painless experience. what i am more concerned with is the aftermath of the op. the torture of keeping quiet over the next few days (oh yes, i am not the quiet kind of person....hehe), dependent on a liquid and semi-solid diet (though i think it is a good time to lose weight..haha) and taking cautious steps to ensure that the wound will not be aggravated. now it still bleeds a little as i typed, but it's manageable. Looks like my ways of communcation are limited to MSN,smses and emails...so sad...hmm..am i making it sound like i am stranded on an island?? haha (i am on an island anyway,hehe) okok, enough of my nonsense.

As i lie down on the 'dentist's reclining chair' ( i do not know the exact name of that thing) while she was operating, i pondered on the words 'wisdom tooth'. Where was the origins of this term?? why is it called 'wisdom tooth'? it seems to have postive connotations (since wisdom is something that is desired) but why does it have to be taken out?? hmm....but after awhile, i gave up coz it seems that i will get nothing out of my head..hahah

a number of my friends are terrified of visiting the dentist,it's like the dentist is synoynomous with 'fear and pain'. Perhaps due to childhood experiences or stories heard from surrounding family members and friends? As for me, my past experiences had been good. My take is that dnetal checkups are of utmost importance. Every 6 mths I will visit the dentist,even though the consultation fees are quite steep. Coz the first entry of survival is the mouth (which has your teeth needed for chewing food...hehe) and if that is not well taken care of...trouble brews. Many dental problems arise due to sporadic dental checkups. most of us go to the dentist only when the excruciating pain overwhelms us. hmm..i wonder what is the term for phobia of dentists..'denphobia'???

Listening to: silence

expression of thoughts